The Creative's* Catch-22

*not just limited to Creatives I suppose, actually.

A friend of mine recently posted a very nice quote on his social media page:

"Simply, do what u love, what makes u happy, your art. The rest is just not important:)"

 Now, first off let me say, I think this is a great quote and super inspiring.  I'm out of coffee at the moment and I STILL got a warm feeling in my insides from it.

Second, I'm most definitely not trying to undermine my friend's reason to post this quote (most likely to inspire) or to call him out on anything.

It's just, the quote really got me thinking.  I mean, REALLY thinking.

I commented on his quote:

"And then you have a baby...and it all changes lol (although, it's not impossible...just full of detours.)"

Because guess what?  For me?  That's all I know.

But the tough part is, at least in my chosen field of goals, I don't know anyone else who has the slightest idea how to relate because I don't know anyone in my chosen field of goals who has been a parent for nearly 12 years, 9 of which have been single-parent status.

(I am lucky enough to have a great friend and co-parenting relationship with my ex-husband, but that doesn't make it as smooth sailing as a two-parent household by any means.  Heck, even two-parent households are hectic.  Parenting is a crazy, emotional and labor-intensive job, folks...in case anyone had any question.)

I see a lot of people, like my friend, who post these wonderful, beautiful messages of "go for it!"  "follow your dreams!"  "be who you were meant to be!"

And I like these statuses, both on an internal like level and physically clicking "like" on Facebook.  I adore them, truth be told.  And I try, I try my damnedest to follow and believe them.

But here's the thing: when you're responsible for shaping the life of another human being who loves you more than anything else in the world (and who, as it's my case, is teetering between childhood and teenagerhood--a very delicate and bittersweet time), how can you possibly just let everything else fall away for your dreams?

You can't. There are mortgages and bills and school events and dinners to cook and laundry to do and a house to clean and periods of time where you must dedicate yourself to discussing the latest episode of The Misadventures of Flapjack or a new internet meme with someone who will never know what a cassette tape is and, as I've recently found out, has no idea how to work a landline telephone.

Normally, I forget about this delicate balance.  When I do have my "me" time to do with as I please, I throw myself into it and enjoy the hell out of it.  Although, in the back of my mind I'm probably feeling guilty for not being "good enough" as a mom.  Mom guilt.  This is also a thing.  No matter how available and supportive a mom is, guess what?  She probably feels like she can do more.

And therein lies the rub.  The "damned if you do, damned if you don't" idea.

If I were to throw all of those feel good, inspirational , dream-following quotes down the Bemis, sure...I could devote more time to parenting my son.  Sounds great then, right?  Just give up and you won't feel guilty!

Ah-ha!  That's where you're wrong.  Because in doing that, I'd be doing a great disservice not only to myself...but to my child.  You see, in order to be  a good parent, it's my opinion that you must still follow those things that spark passion and joy within you.  It's almost living by example in a way.  Proving those quotes.  Showing and not telling that yes, dear child of mine, you can do what you know in your heart you are meant to be doing.

So those quotes, they're valid. But they're not all encompassing, I guess is my point.

You see, the rest IS important. I don't have the luxury of screwing up and failing remarkably and only answering to myself and perhaps a debt collector or irate landlord.

Nope.

If I screw up, I not only answer to myself, a few debt collectors and in my case a mortgage company...but I have to answer to someone who counts on me for just about everything you could ever possibly imagine.

So yes, sure, I can fail...but I can't do so with such unabashed and carefree glory as most of the folks who are also in my field of goals.

And believe me, I have failed...many times.  And I don't really plan to stop any time soon, because I also don't plan to give up.  And the only way you really learn and can see how far you've come is through making mistakes along the way.  Otherwise, what have you to appreciate?  Right?

But for my friends in the biz, community, etc., whatever, I offer this to you as well: the rest IS STILL IMPORTANT.

The "rest" is what makes you "you."  Uniquely.

Don't go blind to the "rest" in order to hunt down your dream and hang it proudly on your wall.  Because when you do that, you miss the good stuff.  Or maybe you don't.  I don't know.

I do know this: my road is winding and often times cracked and hard to maneuver.  I can see all of these other roads around me, they seem so much easier and more carefree, and admittedly sometimes I feel a little envious...I absolutely do (because contrary to some belief, I'm human).

But that unique and challenging road of mine has indeed given me some remarkable gifts.  These gifts don't always make it easier to reach my goals (much like obtaining a smart phone, although great and a lot of fun, has not increased my productivity in any significant way...)

I don't know, I guess sometimes I realize that I've made my own bed, I've determined my life to this point based on the choices I've made, but it would be nice I guess, if someone else could relate to it.  To understand what it would feel like if just leaping and risking a big fall was sort of impossible.

To feel what it was like to have to scale the mountain instead of just bounding over it without fear or hesitation.

And at times, I wish I understood the freedom in what they get to experience by not having to be so cautious.  By not worrying about the "rest."

Actually, I do.  I just haven't experienced it in about 12 years.

But I wouldn't change it for the world.

What I would like to change are these quotes.  Maybe add one or two to the boundless lot that accommodate those of us wearing a safety harness for obvious reasons.  I mean, can a woman (or a man) get a:

"Follow your dreams, never give up, you can do whatever it is you set your  mind to, do what you LOVE...

...but also, fold the laundry, thaw the chicken for dinner, and hug your kid extra tight tonight...it might take a bit longer, but you'll get there...eventually.  It's totally okay if you can't just leap.

Because remember:  without your baby steps, you'd have never even hit your strides."

 But I will still always appreciate all of those inspirational quotes my friends post, whether they apply fully or not.  Because just the idea of staying positive is an awesome thing.   And there's nothing wrong with that.

Plus, they're great, awesome, inspiring, talented, nice people...and I adore them.

On an unrelated note, thinking about this makes me very happy:

Heaven, apparently, is a freezer.

Look at this freezer.




And yes...that's an almost never-ending supply of different flavors of ice cream.

"I'm wearing balloons and everyone's worried" or: "NYE 2011 - 2012"

It's a brand new year e'rybody!

I am a party.

I happened to ring it in with a gaggle of great friends, and although I think the wine and champagne *might* have gone to my head just a wee bit towards the end of the evening, I have to say, it was a pretty damn good NYE celebration.

I did partake in some NYE rituals: wearing pink underwear for luck (I've also heard red, which I used to do for years, but that never seemed to work out well.  So this year?  Pink.  With little red hearts.  Perfect.), and I even ate 12 grapes (although it was way after midnight and I only remember about 3 of the wishes I made...out of the 12...one for each grape.)

And of course, by the end of the night I was wearing a party hat, drinking out of a champagne bottle and covered in balloons.  True Tiff fashion.



I don't really have any expectations for the new year.  In my 31 years I've discovered it's always best to stay in the moment instead of trying to plan out every single detail.  I mean, of course I have hopes and dreams and goals, but I'm flexible, I guess.

I rather enjoy the unexpected detours, especially when they take me somewhere great that I wouldn't have otherwise discovered if I'd followed my plans to a T.

I would like to start a diary though.  I mean a hand-written, private diary. I still have my diary from my freshman year of high school, which is hilarious. It's a testament to my survival of my teens and a reminder that things tend to work out precisely as they should, whether you planned them or not.  Usually "or not."

I do realize that my priorities have started shifting a bit, though.  It's weird.  And I don't know if it's because it's a new year or because I'm in my thirties.  I guess I've started reevaluating a lot of things, or actually it might be that I've stopped fearing some of the things that had until recently scared the ever-loving bejeebus out of me.  More on that later perhaps?

And no, I don't have any resolutions to quit smoking or lose weight.  The only real resolution I have is to be grateful for each day I have, for each single moment I'm a part of.  And it is with high hopes that this attitude will make 2012 a beautiful year, full of happiness and abundance.

This is my hope for all of you as well.

I also just won a game of Words with Friends against Mr. J.  Things are definitely looking good for 2012.

A short thought

There is something to be said about the way it makes you feel to be called beautiful by someone who has seen you when you've looked your worst...ish.

:)

30/30/30 - Day #7: Submit a headshot/res or audition for something

So, I realize I've been absent from the blog for a few days.

Ya know?  Sometimes life just gets heavy and you have to deal with it before you can move on to your other stuff.  So I apologize, but I'm happy to announce that not only am I back, but I'm back feeling better than ever AND I was motivated to complete another item on my list:

Day #7 - Submit a headshot/res or audition for something
Status: Completed

This is me as a tot.
(AKA I didn't have any other pics
for the blog post.)

Today, I mean literally an hour ago, I sent off my headshot and res to a casting agency.  Now, it's mainly for work as an extra, but it's a start.  Plus, it was an easy thing to cross off the list.  Why I waited so long to do it, I have no idea.  Fear?  Perhaps.  A false idea that I was unable to do so?  More likely. 

I have so many things left on my list and only about 17 more days to do them.  I'm coming to the realization that I might not get to everything on the list.  While I'm a little bit saddened, I also just know that I've still got time so I'm not giving up. 

What shall I do for tomorrow?!  Video journal my whole day?  Could be fun.  Maybe I'll write those letters to people.  I just need to get on the ball.  Any ball.  In a big way.

Well, okay...not just any ball. 

Nutsack.

(Sorry, I couldn't help myself.)

30/30/30 - Day #6: See a concert

Day #6 - See a concert

Status: Completed

I went to see Garfunkel & Oates at the Mayne Stage.  I discovered by accident that they were having a contest, the winner of which would receive an autographed poster from G&O.

What was the contest?  Well, in honor of Chicago being named Most Mustache-Friendly City, best mustache (real or fake) at each of the four performances would win said poster.

I knew immediately that I would be coming home with a poster Friday night.  Why?  Because:

I know, I know.  It looks natural, right?

Best part?  I was scared shitless to stand around wearing a huge fake mustache.  I wasn't sure if I'd be the only one or not, but instead of catering to that fear, I got my tickets from the window, and promptly applied my giant 'stache, wearing it with pride until the show started.  I got a lot of smiles, points, and giggles.  But most of all, I had a lot of fun wearing a giant mustache in public...while drinking PBR tallboys.  (Talk about a challenge.  I had to find a way to get the can to my mouth without incident.  Eventually I hatched a plan that involved putting the 'stache on my chin.  Like a mustache beard.  It worked like a charm.)

And...as I'd proclaimed the moment I heard about the contest:

It's a major award!

I won.  I totally won.  

Boom.

30/30/30 - Day #5: Cook dinner for Laughs

Day #5 - Cook dinner for Laughs

Status: Completed

Chicken Paprikash.
100% Hungarian.
Made by a 50% Hungarian.

Wednesday night after work I came home and cooked up a family favorite: Chicken Paprikash.  I'm half Hungarian and this was kind of a staple in my family.  I was super excited to try my hand at it, as I've never cooked it before.  Lo and behold, it turned out pretty damned good.  The only things I'd change: smaller, thinner dumplings (when they said "walnut-sized" I was unsure if they meant shelled or unshelled.  In hindsight, I'm pretty sure they meant unshelled.), and since the chicken was boneless (ack...I can't eat meat off the bone.  Harf.), I would have let it simmer in the sauce for about 5 minutes less.

I also probably would have used smaller plates.  

I do know I'll be making this dish again.  As well as attempting new stuff.  Cooking is actually pretty fun, guys.  In case you were unaware.

30/30/30 - Day #4: Karaoke Performance

Day #4 - Do karaoke, but actually have stage presence

Status: Completed

For a woman who has spent the better part of her life on stage doing plays, singing, and now improvising, it's probably surprising that when it comes to regular karaoke (a hobby I've had since I was 18 - yes, I snuck into a bar.  Our friend was the bartender.  And hey, I only drank alcohol there ONCE(ish).  Anyways...)

...when it comes to regular karaoke...I am the biggest chicken shit in the world of chicken shits.  Sure, I'll sing.  Heck, I'll even belt it sometimes.  But when it comes to looking like I'm having a great time on stage (even though I am---or thought I was), I fail miserably.

Why?  

Because truth be told, I'm afraid.  Of what, I don't know.   It's karaoke, not some sort of twisted "Sing for your life!" torture method.  Maybe it's of being judged.  Maybe it's of sounding bad and not wanting to have to admit it.  

Maybe it's just some rare form of stage fright that only occurs at bars.

I don't know.  But this is precisely why I added "Do karaoke, but actually have stage presence" to my list.

And last night...it happened.  

Laughs and I had plans for a night in my neck of the woods on Tuesday night.  (He's really great about sharing the back and forth, which makes me one happytastic gal.)  

We decided to hit up my favorite hole-in-the-wall for some karaoke.  (Which, by the way, because this needs to be said: The man can sing. I mean, just...wow.  Yeah.  Laughs has some rad pipes.)

As the night wore on, I knew I needed to make good on that list item.  I knew I needed to push past my fear, and get out there and perform.  Not just stand on the stage, hiding, with a mic up to my mush.  But rock and roll and have fun, not caring about what the heck anyone thought.

"If you're gonna fail, fail big."  Words of advice from a smart guy.  And so I just kept repeating that over and over.  Until finally, "Next up, we've got Tiff singing..."

This was it.  The moment of truth.  The moment of accomplishing something else on my list. 

The moment of I might piss my pants out of adrenaline and nerves but who cares.

I walked up, grabbed the mic, and sang Let's Get it On by Marvin Gaye.  Not only did I sing but I walked around, I danced, and at one point the music got into my muscles and bones and I jumped around like a fool.

A very happy fool who was having so much fun.

When the song ended, I walked back to where Laughs and I were sitting, feeling like a new person entirely.  I also wondered how for so long, I did this thing I loved for over a decade without having THAT much fun.  And sure, I crossed something off the list, but more than that I discovered that I need not be afraid to fail.  That what should be driving me is a passion for what I'm doing, and the desire to make everything I do as enjoyable as I possibly can.  Whoa.  Mind blown.

I had to thank Laughs for reminding me that it's okay to fail, especially if you do so in the biggest way possible.  Luckily that night, I didn't fail.  But the truth is, I couldn't fail.  Because I had already succeeded in pushing past my own silly barrier just by making the attempt and following through.

After my song, Laughs went up to sing.  And he too sang his song in the middle of the room...and tore the place up.  (Do I remember a little air guitar in there?  I think I do, L.  I think I do.)  

And in that moment, not only did I appreciate the fact that I had just challenged myself and succeeded, but here I am with this guy who supported me in my nerves and fear, and is now performing his karaoke song to the crowd as well (and killing it). 

I'm hoping that lesson sticks, and not just with karaoke but with everything I do or hope to do.  

I mean, I know it'll stick with me for karaoke---it was so much fun to be silly and free, why would I ever go back to the alternative?!